To the doctors who always give up...

      THE JOURNEY 

 "The first step to getting anywhere is deciding you're no longer willing to stay where you are." 

The last three weeks have been terribly discouraging as I had yet another (17th doctor) exit out of this journey. Leaving us with no answers but oh making an appointment with ANOTHER movement disorder doctor at IU Medical Center without asking. Thanks Doc! No worries though because the wait you ask? Oh just January 2018...no thank you. We've been through this before. Canceled.  

I can't even began to express the amount of frustration I've had in swallowing 'that' tough pill...

                                                            There are no more answers.   

I look back at all the doctor reports, all the test, and some days think "How did I ever get through that?" "How did I get up every single time and go at it again?" 

                                          Let me be as honest & deep for a moment...

I remember a time coming home one night after being heartbroken when the top movement disorder from IU told us she just didn't know. I hit the door and just remember sitting for hours in my living room with my roommate just crying. Crying out that I just didn't understood what I did or could've eaten wrong. Knowing that there was nothing that I could've done differently. You get to THAT point of wondering about all the "What if's". 

This is the closest picture I can find to painting the picture.

The picture of what each and every time feels like when hearing over and over again 

"Were sorry. There is nothing more that we can do."

Sometimes I'm left with a hug from them and sometimes I'm left with them being mad.

I have felt like my world has been spinning with emotions the last three weeks.

I am right in the MIDDLE of speech therapy and we are so excited this is my last semester! 

However, I have no drive what so ever to finish. 

I'm having to force myself.

My team (Medically speaking) just left.

I've promised myself to see this through but each week it just gets tougher.

Remember Chelsi when you couldn't understand me at all on the phone? No. Worries because now you can!  

Remember when you could even get through a day without a flare?

Now you can! 

Remember where you've come from Chels. 

It was asked by a super close friend tonight 

"Would you have done anything differently?"

My answer was "No." 

Holding tears back for a couple seconds at least...

"I never imaged that we would get to a point of no answers. I never wrapped my mind around that was possible." 

Her reply was saying nothing at all but her actions said everything.

She too was trying to hold tears back.

Got up and just hugged me for a couple seconds.

You know that saying "actions speak louder then words?"

I would agree.  

It always leaves me in such a shock when others get emotional (most times more emotional) then I do.  

I'm not sure this blog has any purpose or reasoning but to say this:

Be THAT friend who loves so deep you hurt for others.

Be THAT friend to make time out of your day.

Be patient but upfront

Be a friend to everyone you meet.

Sometimes only the Lord understands what a person is facing and walking through.

Reminder to myself as well:If he has asked you to walk through it then he thinks your strong enough to get through it.

I guarantee that hardly anyone knew how I really felt. 

Or that our neurologist had even let us go... 

Don't always judge a book by it's cover.

Be that one friend like Kristen was tonight to me.

I love you to the moon and back, Kristen! 

Walk with HIM daily...

It'll be worth it one day! 

Love,

Chelsi